Owning Your Sexuality…the secret to better sex!

There comes a point in many women’s lives when they can no longer pretend. They examine their sex lives and realize they are not satisfied. They may ask themselves “Is this all there is?”

Maybe you have been there. You have followed all the rules. You got the education, found a partner and got married, had the kids and now you are juggling all of the responsibilities. Maybe you have experienced that great “mind blowing sex” at some point in your life and lost it. Maybe you have never experienced it. But in either case, you thought you would be enjoying more intimacy and having better sex now in your midlife.

Well, the secret to a better sex life and more intimacy does not come from finding a better lover or following six easy steps in a magazine article. For most people, there is nothing easy about having a great sex life. In order to have a great midlife sex, you must be willing to own your sexuality and you must be committed to doing the work required to improve your sex life.

Take responsibility
The first step to improving your sex life is evaluating where you are right now and taking full responsibility for whatever you find. Maybe you are having sex about once a month. Maybe once a year. Maybe you have sex, but it is a perfunctory fifteen-minute experience and then roll over and fall asleep. Maybe you find yourself in a marriage with your best friend, but with little or no sexual intimacy.

It’s time to take responsibility and acknowledge where you find yourself right now. This is not about blaming anyone. Only by acknowledging where you are and taking responsibility can you have the power to change things. If you don’t have a great sex life at this point, it’s because it has not been a top priority. Over the years, it has been placed on the back burner and it’s become crusty and tasteless like over cooked chicken. Yuk!!! So, how do you change it?

Start with self care.
Before you decide to spice up your love life, you need to reconnect with your own body. For some of you, you have never taken the time to identify what your body enjoys sexually. You have left it up to your lover to tell you what your body likes. You will need to explore your body more. But before that, I’m going to ask you to go back to the basics.

The fundamentals of a good sex life require a healthy body. Be kind to your body. Have you given your body enough sleep? Have you fed your body healthy foods? After the basics of sleep and nutrition have been met, then you are ready to spend some time exploring your body. Make a date with yourself.

Moving on to self love
A woman’s body is continually changing over her lifetime. Your body in midlife is not the same as your body in your twenties. Stimulation that you may have found pleasurable in your twenties may not be pleasurable to you now. Masturbation is your chance to get to know your body now. You get to experiment with different sensations, vibrations and pressures.

Use your hand, a vibrator or whatever you like. Don’t forget the lube. There is no place for discomfort in exploration. You want to be relaxed and enjoy the experience. Make note of what feels nice to you. Maybe in the past direct stimulation to your clitoral gland (the tip) was enjoyable but now it’s too sensitive. That is ok.

The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone that runs along your vulvar lips and wraps around the entrance of your vagina. Explore along the clitoral length and see if there is another spot you like now. Explore your entire body. Do you have a sensitive spot behind your knees or near your ears? Take your time, try not to be rushed. what sensations do you enjoy? Make note of what you like.

Discussing your needs with others
If you have a sex partner, then you can share your new-found information with them. You may explain how you realize your body is changing and you have made some new discoveries as to what you find pleasurable. You could invite your partner to explore with you as their body may be changing also. Make it a fun and relaxing time for both of you.

If you engage in penetrative sex, you might want to take that off the table for now. Focus on your bodies and not the end goal of penetration. Make it a time of relaxation and exploration for both of you. Remember Rome was not built in a day. Take your time to talk and see what your partner might like to incorporate into your sex life as well. The most important thing is that you are able to own your sexuality by identifying your needs and expressing them to your partner. Owning your sexuality is a major step in improving your sex life.

Are you a woman in your midlife, ready to start your own journey of discovery? If you are committed to your journey of sexual discovery, contact me today for a complimentary one-hour consultation.

Dr. Sonia
The Midlife Sex Coach for Women